gut it out.

I recently watched a 2005 commencement speech given by Steve Jobs. He said many, many illuminating things, one of which is that "...you have to trust in something. Your gut, destiny, life, karma. You have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future, believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference."

I was so enthralled with the speech that I paused it time and again and let what he was saying register with me. Let it mean something and speak to me in the midst of all the pain and turmoil that I have been experiencing. What ended up ringing true for me is that after all of my choices, all of the questioning in the face of huge fears, learning how to be more vulnerable, accepting some failures, knowing that my heart and intuition are worthy guides and being less sure of things, helped me ask the questions that I believe will lead to greater happiness. What do I want out of this life? What values am I most committed to and want to see in those whom I love? Who's life do I want to be living? How can I balance vulnerability with strength? What changes do I need to make within myself? What do I trust and what do I believe to be true?

Faith is hard work. Trust is hard work. You have to be in action and conscious of both for either to be valuable in your life, right? Otherwise they are just empty words, empty notions. I have to trust that my gut, intellect and support system will lead me to make decisions that are in the best interest of my daughter. I have to have faith that my basic soul's desire for someone to really understand me and love me is reasonable and attainable. I have to trust that my genuine hard work and thoughtful intentions will lead to the stability and prosperity that I crave. I have to have faith that my mind and heart will be open to the lessons that my failures and mistakes humbly bring with them. This is all active. I am conscious of all of this, day in and day out.

A close friend recently shared with me that a counselor recommended an exercise by which you wear a rubber band around your wrist and every time you see it, you are to ask yourself what emotion you are experiencing at that exact moment. We laughed and said how limited our emotional vocabulary really is: "ummm...tired? Hungry? Frustrated?" But the idea of this is fun to explore because with this exercise we can learn to listen to ourselves in a specific moment in time and that's very hard to do. It's easy to understand and feel emotions when they are at their apex, but how do you tap into your feelings when maybe they are more subtle or nuanced? A long history of subtle, quiet emotions can have a much bigger impact on our lives as they compound. They are still there. They are very real, whether we choose to let them settle over us or not. Imagine reaching across a table to hold the hand of someone you love and seeing that rubber band — a ha! I'm feeling it! I trust this feeling! I want to hold this hand! In this moment, this feeling is not lost on me. Or how about the opposite — seeing your hands folded together, the rubber band causing you to connect to an emotion in that moment and realizing that you feel alone even though someone is sitting across the table from you? What does that feel like? I know what it feels like and I wish I knew about the rubber band exercise long, long ago. I would have snapped it and felt it sting so I wouldn't forget, so I could learn to trust it and build on my own emotional intelligence.

It's always easier to look back and connect the dots that led you to where you are today. Trusting that any of them are the right ones today is incredibly hard. This is why I think both what Steve Jobs said and what that counselor recommended are so powerful. Feelings lead to action, or inaction, right? Balancing the incredible gift of emotional awareness with rationality feels like the right place to start. This is intuition at it's best..our gut giving us things to trust, things to believe in, and ultimately, giving us a map. Jobs also so wisely said, "Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."