the new busy.

Are you kidding me? Every time I see Microsoft Hotmail's new campaign slogan, I make a face and shake my head. "The New Busy?" Seriously? I know some goofball(s) made a lot of money off of that "idea" and I shake my head at that too. (By the way, isn't it us, the Gen X'ers, that get made fun of for using air quotes? Well, perhaps we also over-use quotes in general, however I think air or typed quotes also add the perfect dash of tongue-in-cheek, don't you?)

As a friend of mine, ironically a former Microsoftie (or is it MS'er?), said to me over the weekend, "What even is the New Busy? What does that mean?" Weird. Who wants a new Busy? Find me someone who actually wants a new Busy. Seriously, call me. I will talk some sense into you. I want less Busy. I want a mini-Busy, a Busy salve, a Busy tamer, a Busy reliever. Honestly, I actually want the Old Busy. You know, the Busy where you had to juggle changing your home answering machine message (so that you sound like Wolfman Jack) and make dinner in time to catch "People's Court." Or the Busy where waiting in the grocery line for the man in front of you to pay with a check didn't make you want to go postal. Or how about the Busy where making a mix-tape took the same amount of time as it did to listen to it? Or the Busy where it was hands-down more fun to get a dirt clod thrown at you than try to respond to 287 emails before bed. I hate the New Busy and I hate that Microsoft is trying to sell it to me. I KNOW what the New Busy looks like and it isn't me trying to figure out how to fit in yoga. Bottom line: anything that is selling New + Busy scares the shit out of me.

Here's the New Busy:

How many times have you called the cable company to have them explain to you the very best deal, triple-whatever, including digital-whatever, taking up at least 45 minutes of your evening, only to get to the very end and they say that "Whoops, that price is not available in your area." Exactly. Me too — once was enough. So the New Busy stuck with basic cable and had to call and order stupid digital boxes that I had to set up on my own, which required at least one support phone call, upon which they tried to sell me the digital upgrade, which had a great price (!), only to discover that alas...not available in my area. Honestly, the New Busy is exhausted just from writing this paragraph.

How many times have you told the grocery checker that you forgot your club card, but could they please give you the discount this one time? Little do they know that the New Busy intended on signing up, but after I filled out the card, I realized that I have to bring that card back into the store. You can't mail it. You can't do it online. I have three neatly completed applications in the bottom of my New Busy purse. You find them.

When you've made your pet boarding reservation, did they tell you that the required boarding-specific immunizations are not up to date, only to discover that your vet can't see your pet until the week after you return from your trip? The New Busy had to find a new in-home boarder.

I called in my prescription refill. Easy. Then fought for thirty minutes to find a parking space. Hard. Only to be told by the pharmacist that they can't give me my prescription because my insurance only covers payment on the last week of the month. No, I'm not kidding. The New Busy had to do it all over again...two days later.

The New Busy keeps re-sending emails to myself so they appear at the top of the list.

I carry any and all liquids in ziplock bags all the time because I've been burned by running out of FHA-required one-quart bags on airplane travel days.

I tape my parking pass to my coat on the last day of the month so I remember to put it on my rearview mirror that night.

Trader Joe's' steam-in-the-bag vegetables almost make me cry with relief.

I cancelled home milk delivery because paying the bill online and remembering to email them every time I needed to reduce or stop delivery took more time than just buying it at the store.

Finding time to read "Real Simple" takes a real commitment.

I use Pert Plus.

An ad for a 5-minute dinner recipe makes me laugh like a mad scientist.

I pay my daughter to make her own school lunches.

I email during traffic jams, text on elevators, and return phone calls while grocery shopping.

When I'm out jogging, I have to carry both my iPod and my phone because no, I don't have an iPhone. That would require switching carriers and that's a rabbit hole I don't want to go down anytime soon.

The smaller garbage cans, which the City promotes to reduce waste, are only 12 gallons less but they don't have wheels.

One staple of the New Busy purse is three different power adapters. Enough said.

The only folks who are making it easier for the New Busy are the paid parking lot owners, who's online over-time fine payment system is a breeze.

Ok, ok. This could go on longer than the New Busy has time for. I'm from Seattle and I do appreciate Microsoft from a regional economy stabilizing angle (that was a mouthful) so, I will give them a break. They didn't invent the New Busy, and honestly they have some legitimate tools trying to help us wrangle it. It's not lost on you either, I know, that the "New Busy" campaign is supposed to be doing exactly that — selling a Busy-wrangling tool. Maybe that should have been the campaign. A cowboy, Busy in the role as the villain, MS as the cowboy's rope. Cowboy + Rope = Busy being wrangled. Works for me! Microsoft?...Call me. If you get a busy signal, don't worry, there's an app for that.