I had a tough conversation the other day. A good friend of mine is in that place where you know your marriage is falling apart and all you can think about are the moments with your child that you will miss if you get divorced. It's a horrible, dark place. If you think this blog entry will be about trying to keep it together to save those moments, it's not. However, I'm not really going to say the opposite either - some people say that staying, if it's just for the kids, is not the right thing either. I am separated from my husband, so when talking to my friend, I literally sobbed. I cried because there is no easy answer and maybe there's no answer, period, and my heart ached for my friend. I like to see progress, I like to work towards a solution and I like to see resolution and compromise. Maybe there are elements to all of that in these situations, but there is no right or wrong answer and it kills me. It's hard for me to wrap my brain and heart around the incredible complexity of these emotions. My dot's father and I love her dearly. I'm ridiculously over-the-moon about her, so I guess I hope that we will take that crazy love and give her a stable, loving foundation no matter what house or where she is in her life. That is the priority, no question. It will be about and for her. But can that be enough for me? How will I reconcile, or what do I do with the lost moments? I will say that it does get easier, and in the moments that we have together I'm a bit more awake and focused because I know they have to count. Maybe that's the hidden blessing in it all. If so, then my next goal is to be sure that I work to sustain that focus and give her and I those moments where I am really present as her mother, really listening to her, really enjoying and engaging in our relationship. My friend, in despair, said we may have one million moments, but we won't have two million. This is true and it's heart-breaking, but I think after all of this reflection, I am going to take my one million moments and make them count like maybe they didn't before. It's all I can do but I hope and believe it will be enough.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
one million moments.
I had a tough conversation the other day. A good friend of mine is in that place where you know your marriage is falling apart and all you can think about are the moments with your child that you will miss if you get divorced. It's a horrible, dark place. If you think this blog entry will be about trying to keep it together to save those moments, it's not. However, I'm not really going to say the opposite either - some people say that staying, if it's just for the kids, is not the right thing either. I am separated from my husband, so when talking to my friend, I literally sobbed. I cried because there is no easy answer and maybe there's no answer, period, and my heart ached for my friend. I like to see progress, I like to work towards a solution and I like to see resolution and compromise. Maybe there are elements to all of that in these situations, but there is no right or wrong answer and it kills me. It's hard for me to wrap my brain and heart around the incredible complexity of these emotions. My dot's father and I love her dearly. I'm ridiculously over-the-moon about her, so I guess I hope that we will take that crazy love and give her a stable, loving foundation no matter what house or where she is in her life. That is the priority, no question. It will be about and for her. But can that be enough for me? How will I reconcile, or what do I do with the lost moments? I will say that it does get easier, and in the moments that we have together I'm a bit more awake and focused because I know they have to count. Maybe that's the hidden blessing in it all. If so, then my next goal is to be sure that I work to sustain that focus and give her and I those moments where I am really present as her mother, really listening to her, really enjoying and engaging in our relationship. My friend, in despair, said we may have one million moments, but we won't have two million. This is true and it's heart-breaking, but I think after all of this reflection, I am going to take my one million moments and make them count like maybe they didn't before. It's all I can do but I hope and believe it will be enough.
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