taking the pot.

I had a great moment at around 3 a.m. on the 4th (ok, 5th) of July. I took the pot. It was not a particularly elegant win, nor a clean one (in that I was brought back into the game after getting knocked out), but it was a damn fine capper on a fantastic vacation. I think it may have impressed my companions, which of course is always a plus, but the truth is, I won because I've played with these friends before. I knew what the last two standing might do and I went for it. Since then, I haven't been able to shake a comment a male friend of mine said recently about dating at this age and stage—"everybody's played a few hands."

It's easy to link poker analogies and dating. We can go all in, float, bluff, check, raise, ante, show your cards or muck. Sometimes you realize you are just drawing dead and sometimes you need a backdoor. I've played a few hands myself.

Over a year ago, my ex posted a profile to the dating website, match.com. I found out about it because he came up as a suggested match for a friend of mine. In reality, outside of the no way in hell was he going to date my friend part of it, I really didn't care that he was on there. Frankly maybe he'd be nicer to me if he was getting some lady attention, but I heard he posted a picture of me on his profile. Uh, no...also not going to happen. I've been brought up to speed by many male friends about why someone would think it's smart to do such a thing, but I still shake my head and laugh. Am I seriously supposed to be flattered? I'm going to call that an overbet.

I had to sign up in order to see the photo so I could ask him to promptly remove it. Mission accomplished. I also allowed myself five minutes of unbecoming behavior by reading how he described himself. Now THAT's an experience—reading how your husband of 14 years describes himself. Things that make you go...hmmm.

Cut to last week. I'm bored and inquiring minds want to vacation trawl. I sign back in and look around, which I never did the first time. I know a few men and women who have been on match.com. I truly don't have any cliché reason not to want to be a joiner. I get what it's supposed to be, why you might choose to be on there, and how it can work for many people. I'm not a snob about it (I don't think), I'm just, let's say, not there yet? I'm not wholly comfortable with the idea of this particular medium I guess. I've been totally open to being set up and asked out by mutual friends, so I'm not shy about the stranger quotient, but I think the idea of total anonymity is freaky. I think a couple of good tells are helpful.

Pause.

Hmmm...well, what the hell? I'm on vacation and I might be a little bored right at this very moment. Let's throw something up there and see how this crazy machine works.

So this is what I wrote, direct cut and paste:

Profile Header:

Is it acceptable to wear my NorthFace with heels?

About Me:

"Dont ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." — The last line in The Catcher in the Rye. Not sure I totally agree Mr. Salinger, but for now I might exercise some caution...I'm not so sure about this match.com thing, so I might take it a little slow...

Two photos: one 'hiking' (but wearing tennis shoes and jewelry) and one basic head shot. Took me a total of about 10 minutes, tops.

A few hours later...oh my God: 308 profile views (many are repeats), twelve "favorites," 32 winks, seven "they're interested" and 16 emails. Shit, I can't breathe. I just winked at someone by accident, replied to an email with nothing in the box, added someone to my favorites and other tragic technological errors. Huh? Who is this guy? 58 stubbedmytoe from Canada? My required "Looking For" window is so tiny, on purpose: 39-42 within three miles of my house. Stubbedmytoe, easydoesit, hellooonewman and bringinthecharm really don't like to follow rules I guess. Creativethinker69 is HOT, but is he really looking for a woman 25-38 within 1,500 miles? Yep, he is. Man, this is like watching a train wreck. I can't take my eyes off of it. Quick...hit refresh.

Ok, so Intense-Interest-in-the-Cultural-Study-of-Internet-Dating Hour is over. Profile is now hidden. A male friend that I told this story to suggested that the winking thing is just guys sitting on their computers winking constantly until they get a hit and then shouting to themselves, "Fish on!" I did get a wink that had a follow up email that said I deserved more than a wink. How is he so sure? (Insert snarky emoticon.) The emails ranged from entire novels of explanation and emotion, to "Just saying hi." One guy said I was so (bleep'ing) beautiful that he didn't expect me to respond. Um, ok, belief manifested I guess. One said he is a 'change junkie.' I think he was maybe trying to sound spontaneous, but all I could picture is me being discarded at the needle exchange. Another one in particular caused me to pause. He said my Salinger quote suggested I am smart, the photos suggested I am kind, and being on the site suggested I am sad. WTH? He was doing so well up to that point ('well' being somewhat subjective here.) Honestly, I know I am probably coming off like an incredibly vain, snobby, anti-joiner, but the truth is, it was overwhelming and totally terrifying. Who's holding the big slick (did you just go there?) and who's just a calling station?

I guess I think about it like the poker game at 3 am: In that game, I was engaged, I was investing, I was willing to push it because I knew enough about the game and the other players to not be timid. To really use my skills and be present. But let's be real, I'm not going to show up at The World Series of Poker and last even beyond the first round. I don't really know how to be in the game blind. It'd be like my first hour on match.com—inappropriately winking at people, betting out of turn, wearing ridiculously over-sized sunglasses and asking if anyone thinks it's good that I have an eight and a nine, off-suit. At least they are serving free drinks.

Joking and poker analogies aside, the idea of what I would write as my "About Me" is intriguing. There's something about that process that is really illuminating. What would I want to say about myself and what I am looking for? What are the non-negotiable traits or deal breakers? The idea behind doing a really honest, well-crafted profile seems to me to be critical. It's what makes monthly poker games with your friends so much more interesting. The more you know, the better you play, the better the game. Even the best players in the professional circuit spend an unbelievable amount of energy looking for tells and researching the top players. It's why we could play until 3 am—it's just a better match up.

So, after some initial thought, I thought I take a stab at maybe what I would write.

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About Me:

On paper I think I'm a total cliché—small town cheerleader, city sorority girl, tennis player, professional woman who recently installed bathroom faucet all on my own (hear me roar). I'm passionate, willful, driven and loyal. I prefer not having a schedule. I'm independent, but prefer the company of friends and loved ones. I love the madness of large, boisterous families. My mother and my daughter are my heart and soul. I think two of the best things I own are my driver's license and my car. I notice and am attracted to good writing and well-crafted expressions of ideas. I'm wordy. I need funny to be a noun. I live more as a verb. I can be grey. I like the idea of getting on an airplane having made plans that morning. I love my home. I think I am aware of the energies around me. I think I am sensitive to the diversity and relativity of our lives. I like to debate. I don't like loose ends. I believe people by and large manifest what they believe, a.k.a.: we drink our own cool aid or poison first. I can overcomplicate simple things. I can make simple things meaningful. I think I make people feel heard. I like to be heard. I like it when a man orders for me. I like to be touched. I am sentimental and romantic in the Big Idea sort of way. Music, mountain air, cut grass, dirty tennis shoes, boat engines, snowflakes, sweat, laughter, big cities, back roads, singing at the top of our lungs, words and books and good human souls are like oxygen to me. I push. I can back off, sometimes away. I will look for and see the other side. I will engage and invest. I am spirited but responsible. I don't like to be talked about, but I love to do or experience things worth talking about. I try and live with intention.

What I'm Looking For:

The big funny. An advocate for self and others. Creative, adventurous, generous, intentional. Structured enough to be responsible and successful, flexible enough to be present, and smart enough to know how it all comes together. Someone With Ideas. A measured risk taker, a confident and patient listener, an opinion former. A family man. Comfortable in nearly any environment, comfortable in his own skin. Someone who thinks the sun rises and sets within the walls of his own home and his own heart. Someone who wants to come home every night—home being wherever she is.

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It's probably true, we've all played a few hands and maybe sometimes we fold maybe too early, maybe too late, but I'm still game and I fully intend on taking the pot again. I think for now though, I prefer to ante up at my friends' houses (shout out to the 6-pack!) I think it's ok to have some tells.