I will never grow so old again.

Recently I rented and watched the George Clooney Oscar-nominated movie, "Up in the Air." There are many great scenes that hit home, and they hit home in this elegant, compact way that kind of stuns you. There has been a lot of focus in reviews on the depth of the Clooney character and his romantic relationship. However for me, the character played by Anna Kendrick (also of the "Twilight" series fame, but don't hold that against her) hit closest to home. She plays a 23 year old girl, two years out of college. A smart, over-achiever type who is trying to make a big splash in her company. She has a severe hair style, wears conservative dark suits to not draw attention to herself, and she looks much older than her age, but ultimately she's still just 23. I know that girl all too well. In case my memory doesn't serve, I have photographic proof of the twenty-something me wearing horrible pant suits, boy-short hair, nylons (ick!) and glasses instead of contacts, all in an attempt to appear older and more experienced. In the movie, the character hits the road with her wiser, veteran colleague (Clooney) and of course many things ensue, one of which is that she is broken up with, via text message, by the boy she moved to Omaha for. A scene that, through a spot-on dialogue with the veterans, ultimately unveils her youth and idealism which starts her on the path that eventually sets her free.

I was such an idealist in a lot of ways. I suppose a lot of people are at that age, but I was trying to hide it. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to know that I was such an idealistic, romantic dreamer. I was (and am) the fixer. That's what I do, I fix things. Catch balls before they drop. Responsible, reliable, capable. I kept a big lid on the passionate, idealistic, dreamer girl. I kept the high-expectation gig for myself and was silently struggling with an identity crisis that lasted for at least a decade. What a drag. What a drain. However, I think I was destined to live the responsible, reliable, capable existence until my arms were too full and balls started to drop. The boyfriend in the movie did this girl a favor by texting her and letting her go.

I've been experiencing exponential self-evaluation and growth for probably about a year now and at times, it can be overwhelming, but I am learning to stop fighting myself. Letting myself be who I am and taking the lid off more often. I am a very passionate person. I am very open and transparent. I explore. I talk. I respectfully challenge and opine. Recently a newer friend of mine said, and I quote, "your openness is overwhelming." The slightly repressed version of myself would have quickly been defensive and clamped the lid down tight, considering the comment to be negative. The me that I don't want to fight any longer knows that the statement is more about him than me, and that is not a negative comment about him either. I realize (now) that I am often a catalyst for real emotion and deep conversation. That is who I am and that is what interests me. And I know that that kind of openness and exploration can be scary, and perhaps even overwhelming, but I think it's valuable for us as individuals, and of course for any kind of meaningful relationship, friendship or otherwise. It's real. It's, insert the highly overused word of...authentic, and it allows me to be more comfortable in my own skin, my relationships, my professional ventures, my age and my life.

One of my all-time favorite songs is "Sweet Thing" by Van Morrison and I am ready to admit that I am highly attracted to the romantic visions the song evokes. I love everything about it. I love the romantic idea of jumping hedges, drinking clear clean water to quench my thirst, heading out into the ocean against tomorrow's sky, walking and talking in gardens all wet with rain, being satisfied not to read between the lines and never growing so old again.I don't want to miss things from here on out. I want to take more of it in, explore more, and I want to be more present in my life and my age. I'm trying. I will always be that person that you can count on, but I think I want to take the lid off of the romantic dreamer girl too, and I have made a silent promise to myself that I will never grow so old again.