upswing.

I have this visual in my brain about my divorce: Upside down bell curve with reasonably steep slopes on both sides. At the top of the left side of the curve is the pre-separation frenetic 'high' aka 'denial'. The fall and sharp slope downward is probably fairly obvious (exhilaration, fear, confusion and resolve). And in that low basin at the very bottom is the debris field where everything collected after sliding down the slope. Loads of paper, some ash, some rocks, some stumbling blocks, fragments of lost momentum, pools of pride and tears, relationships and memories swirling around, some heavier than others, and a dusting of shaved ego. Standing in it was almost more difficult than the slide. That was a little over a year ago. Today, I'm solidly on the upswing side. It smells better, feels better, looks better, IS better...AND (not 'but') it's a new slope. My life is very, very different. I am happier than I've ever been in my life and that is a solid, maybe over-anlyazed (insert smiley emoticon), but hard-fought statement.

When I decided to take a step off of that ledge, I made a decision that caused me to lose nearly everything that I had worked for up to that point - my marriage, my financial stability, my desire for a specific type of family life for my daughter and myself, my work momentum, parts of my well-being and health, my money. But I am still standing, and now thriving, and I have no regrets. This is an incredible thing to say out loud.

I tried to go through the process, that initially was a separation, then a divorce, with respect and generosity. I was forced to make decisions during a time of deep pain, stress, confusion and fear and I made some mistakes, but I have to say that the mistakes were often more informative than the catalysts that required the reactions. The lessons I have learned are not just fuel for this upswing journey, but the inspiration. A friend reminded me, just today, of a Grateful Dead quote that I love, "Sometimes you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right."

So in homage, here's some of the 'light' I have been shown:

I have learned that I don't have to respect my ex for "who he is" (as some would suggest), I only have to respect him as my daughter's father. This is a solid, healthy distinction.

I have learned that I don't have to regret those 16 years for the decision to be sound. I invested in that life whole-heartedly. I just have to appreciate that I was present in those years.

I have learned that time and timing matters.

I have learned that being loyal is more about giving love than taking it away.

I have learned to expand my lens. Question more, but maybe judge less.

I have learned that I don't always need to explain, but I do need to listen.

I have learned that it's ok to fail.

I have learned that I am not broken, that marriage is not broken, that my family life and commitments are not broken.

I have learned that those that know you well, love you well. That the vulnerability required to be known well is sometimes exceedingly painful, but turns out, vital.

I have learned that I am highly capable, but I need help.

I have learned that what kids need most are visible efforts on the micro level —their value on the micro becomes the macro. Let's face it, probably adults too.

I have learned that what Newton said is right - there is no new energy in the world. When you suck up all of the energy, you have to put some back.

I have learned that the biggest failure of my life was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am still working very hard to make peace with the experience — for me, for my daughter, for what's next. It has been a hard, but ultimately amazing journey. My life spilled out, down a hill and settled in a big mess at the bottom. I am taking all of that good, worthy stuff and heading back up the next hill. That is what an upswing is...a climb.

I have a companion now, a love, an incredibly bright light. So when I think about my visual of the bell curve, I can't resist the idea of another Grateful Dead quote, "One man gathers what another man spills." I'm most certainly being gathered and I am grateful for his love and the love of my family and friends. I know that this is the undeniable fuel required to foster a new climb, this place I'm in — the upswing. Thank you.